The Trauma and Grief of Widows Who Were Caregivers
The most common causes of husbands’ deaths are chronic or terminal diseases or what are often referred to as “natural causes” or “dying of old age.” In most of these deaths, there is some notice before the husband’s death. Often months in advance and even years in advance. And, as is true of many things in this world, there are both blessings and curses when you become a primary caretaker of your husband.
Consider these statistics: First, husbands are typically older than their wives. Second, on average, women live about five years longer than men. Third, not surprisingly, there are roughly three times as many widows as widowers in the United States today.
This explains why there are many wives actively taking care of their infirmed husbands for months and years before their husband dies. If you were one of those caretaking wives, then you can certainly relate to how that role is often physically and emotionally exhausting, confining, and sometimes underappreciated.
Potential blessings of being a caretaker include having time to put things in order before your husband’s death. Sometimes financial and estate matters can be brought up to date, funeral arrangements can be prepared, and intimate couple conversations can take place before the inevitable occurs. There is a chance to say “goodbye” and say everything that needs to be said.
The downside of being a caretaker includes the physical, emotional, and mental strain involved, confusing and conflicting emotions that may occur both before and after your husband’s death, and the cumulative trauma of watching your once vibrant husband become a mere shadow of himself.
As a widow, you must have a setting and opportunity to process both the blessings and curses of your caretaking role. Ideally, you can work with a grief coach or a therapist. Professional help is especially important if you are experiencing carryover traumatic symptoms, thoughts of not being enough, and guilt for times you weren’t the perfect caregiver.
I remember my late wife’s decline due to cancer – especially the last few months as her ability to do anything for herself declined almost daily, as her pain would spike, as she would periodically slip into a very confused mental state and sometimes chastise me for not doing or being enough.
I remember the conflict of deeply grieving her death and simultaneously feeling relief that I no longer needed to be vigilant 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I remember struggling with intrusive thoughts of not being a good enough caretaker and fighting off intrusive images of her emaciated and sore-ridden body. I often flashed back to the helplessness and fear I faced when unexpected challenges arose in the middle of the night. Thankfully, I was able to process all this via EMDR therapy along with the healing methods we developed. I am no longer a victim of the traumatic splinters caretaking left in my brain.
If you relate to my experience, your best course of action might be to find a certified EMDR therapist. It will almost certainly be a worthwhile investment.
If you feel you need help with your grief, please consider our unique widow retreats. They not only provide community but also provide a safe place to process your grief and all emotions related to your husband’s death. Our favorite thing to do is help widows heal and have hope because we remember that journey well. We’ve been there.
You can find more information about our unique and personalized widow retreats here unique and personalized widow retreats here