In ancient times, widows had very few or no rights. In many societies, unmarried women were considered the property of their fathers, and married women were considered the property of their husbands. Being widowed could mean death, being left destitute, or becoming a slave.
Thankfully, the rights and social standing of widows have significantly improved over time. For instance, during the Victorian period in some Western societies, a widow could remarry after a mourning period of 1-3 years and held some property and financial rights protected by law. However, societal expectations, such as wearing black clothing and acting out mourning in public, still persisted.
Today, widows are better protected with property and financial provisions in the United States. Most couples establish legal wills to define property distribution after a spouseβs death and most couples have life insurance for this exact reason.
How Widows Can Get Stuck in Grief
But, there are no longer specifically defined expectations or universally recognized behaviors for widows in mainstream society. On one hand, this gives widows more freedom to make choices without social repercussions. On the other hand, without agreed-upon expectations, widows face a lot of uncertainties. How are you supposed to behave? What restrictions should you impose upon yourself? The answers to those questions arenβt necessarily simple.
What we see is that widows often place restrictions on themselves β sometimes indefinitely. At our widow retreats, many ladies tell us that they feel like they are dishonoring their husbands if they laugh or smile, especially in public. If people see them enjoying themselves, then it means they no longer miss their husbands.
They question whether they should even enjoy life again. In our experience, the expectations they place upon themselves create a sort of βgrief prisonβ in which to live. We see this is a significant obstacle to widow healing because they think that feeling better is dishonoring. We spend much time at our widow retreats helping them shift their thinking.
If you worry that you might disrespect or dishonor your husband by being happy again, I would like you to ask yourself two questions. First β if you asked your husband if he would rather see you happy or indefinitely grieving and in misery β what would he say? Then ask yourself, βIf you had died instead of your husband, would you want him to be happy and enjoy the life he has left or should he just grieve indefinitely?β I donβt have ESP, but I think I know what your answers would be.
The Importance of Grief Breaks for Widows
If you have moved past any self-imposed restrictions and are gradually learning to enjoy life again, we encourage you to keep moving in that direction. If you are just now wondering how to transition from focusing on your loss rather than your life, here is a great way to start. Schedule grief breaks.
A grief break is very simple. You give yourself permission for an hour to live without focusing on grief. Watch a comedy on TV. Have coffee with a friend and agree not to talk about your loss for an hour. Take a walk with your dog (or borrow someone elseβs dog) and just enjoy being out in the world.
Then, extend your grief breaks to last for an evening, a day, or a weekend, and begin including other people. We promise that you will find that the world will start to seem more livable, and your grief jail cell will seem less comfortable. Will you try it? What have you got to lose?
You Are More Than A Widow
When you first become a widow, itβs natural for that role to feel like your entire identity. This is appropriate and necessary, and the duration of this phase varies for everyone. But remember, being a widow is not the entirety of who you are.
Itβs a challenging journey, but you can heal with time and active healing steps. Healing doesnβt mean forgetting your husband or that you will be the same as you were before he died. He will always be a significant part of your life, and this understanding is a source of comfort and reassurance.
Many times, a woman will tell us after losing her husband, βI donβt know who I am anymore.β And thatβs a scary thought β until you decide, you will risk discovering who you are. Gradually, fear fades and living intentionally takes over.
Unique Widow Grief Retreat
If you are further along in your grief journey and feel stuck or need some hope and healing, please check out our one-of-a-kind widow retreats. During these retreats, we do transformational work with only four widows.
Please check out our website here for all the details and testimonials.
