When Friends and Family Don’t Understand Your Grief

One of the most common things we hear from grievers when we are working with them or speaking somewhere is how their friends and family just don’t get it or understand.

It is a disappointment and heartache to them as the people they thought would support them often don’t.

 Let’s start with understanding what is going on and why.

People are frequently at a loss for what to say or do in the presence of someone who is mourning. Should they talk about the loss? Is it appropriate for them to act as if nothing happened?

 People can be paralyzed when they are with those who are grieving because they are frightened to speak or do something inappropriate.

 Both you, the one who has experienced the loss, and your friends, relatives, and acquaintances are in a tough situation.

 It may be easier for them to be around a grieving person who suppresses their emotions, but this emotional self-control serves no purpose other than to make everyone around you feel better. But it usually doesn’t help you.

 When you’re grieving, your responsibility isn’t to focus on how to make everyone else feel better about their feelings. Unfortunately, in addition to your own sadness, you will have to deal with other people’s reactions to you, which can be unpredictable and even hurtful.

 Let me share a little secret with you – People’s reactions to your grief have little to do with you or what you’re going through; they’re usually expressing their own awkwardness and fear.

 Grief, by its very nature, causes social discomfort. Some folks will remain mute and unresponsive. Others will make a remark that irritates or hurts you.

 Friends and family may retreat from you, “giving you space,” but you may feel alienated and unsupported as a result. Don’t be surprised if some of your relatives and friends withdraw.

 Some people do it because they believe that is what you want, but they may also be trying to recover or protect themselves from their own emotions.

 Some may share their religious views. “It’s God’s will,” “part of God’s plan,” “Everything occurs for a reason,” “They are in a better place,” or “Now you have an angel in heaven” are some of the statements that people will make. Ouch!

 Others may try to rationalize or intellectualize it  by saying things like “He lived a full life,” “It might have been worse,” “At least you have other children,” “They would want you to move on with your life,” “Time heals all wounds,” “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” or “Perhaps it is better this way.”  Ouch again!

 Some people will attempt to divert your attention away from your pain. “You have to move on,” “Be grateful for everything you have,” “Be brave for the children,” and “Stay busy.” Another ouch!

 Even basic attempts to connect with you while you’re grieving, such as “I understand how you feel,” might be condescending. These phrases can be hurtful because they downplay your loss and make you feel isolated and alone in your grieving.

 So, how do you respond to these things?

 Most individuals are only trying to help in their own way, no matter how uncomfortable or poorly placed their remarks may be. 

 I read a good quote by a woman who lost her husband that said, “I learned never to hold anything said at a funeral against somebody.”  I would have to say that philosophy probably needs to last long after the funeral.

 There’s grace and truth in this—people don’t know what to say, and in their haste to come up with something soothing, their words often come out incorrectly.”  It’s pointless to lash out at someone striving to be supportive; it’ll only make you regret it later.

 If someone makes a statement or gives advice to which you feel compelled to respond, you can say, “That’s simply not what I need to hear right now,” or “Thank you, but I need time to think about it.” or “Thank you, but I need to do what is best for me.”

 Want an excellent response to the comment, “Let me know if you need anything.”? 

Thank you. What were you thinking you might be able to do or help with?  

 Please remember how you responded to grieving people before your devastating loss. I am sick of what I used to think and say to my friends who suffered a heartbreaking loss.  I didn’t give them the attention they needed, and I definitely said the wrong things, thinking I was helping.  It was only AFTER my loss that my eyes were opened.

 Most people come from a good place. They don’t get it. They are uncomfortable, so they avoid you or say the wrong thing. Your loss may bring up emotions for them.

 Please err on the side of grace.  Building resentment towards all those who have let you down will only make things harder for you. 

 Some relationships may be toxic to you and need reevaluating.  You are not at your best right now, and if you have relationships that are sucking energy from you, it might be time to pause those.

 This is also why we encourage people to find a community of people, like a support group, who understand that this grieving journey can go much longer than our friends and family think it should.   Look for a local or online grief support group. Check out our list below.

 One of the most powerful things at our widow retreats is the fellowship between the women. They are complete strangers who connect immediately because “they get each other.” It feels so good to have a place to be raw, real and understood.

 Where might you find that kind of place?  Often it is not from our friends or family.

Here is a list of some support options:

Support Directory by Area Search

https://www.griefshare.org – (Christian) support groups everywhere and you can sign up for a daily email which I found very helpful to me (if you try a group out and don’t like it, I recommend trying another one)

https://www.compassionatefriends.org – for parents who have lost children of any age. They have support groups.

https://www.umbrellaministries.com – (Christian) for mother’s who have lost children. They also have a weekly devotional they will send you and other resources.

https://soaringspirits.org – for widows and widowers, resources and online and local support groups

https://www.withhopefoundation.org/suicide-bereavement-support Online and in person suicide bereavement support groups

https://nationalwidowers.org/support-groups/ Support groups and resources for widowers

Hang in there dear friend.  We promise you there is hope.  Please don’t do this journey alone.

When you’re ready, there is a lot we can do to make this journey more bearable. Check out our one-of-a-kind widow retreat here.