16 Essential Things New Widows Need to Know

Welcome to Widowhood!

If you are a new or recent widow, your world is probably turned upside down.

I remember experiencing it.  You may be feeling overwhelmed, confused, scared, lost, and experiencing the most devastating pain you can imagine. The pain is truly unimaginable until you have been through it.   Or you may be totally numb and feel nothing.  All this would be normal and appropriate. Losing a husband impacts almost every area of a widow’s life. 

Many new widows come to me, and I have a very special session with them. 

I call it a Grief Orientation, where I introduce them to the grief journey and what they might experience in the months ahead. Most widows are like me—usually lost and unprepared. Society does not equip us for the death of a loved one, even though we will all experience it.

This content will cover much of what I share in this grief orientation. Maybe you will find some of it helpful or can share it with a new widow.

Widow Grief Orientation

Let’s get started!

Take a deep breath and get comfortable. Imagine that I am speaking to you in a private session.  I am sitting across from you, looking into your eyes and holding your hand.

My friend, I have been where you are.  I remember!  I know you are brokenhearted, lost, scared, and confused – and it hurts so much! You may feel like half of you is gone and have no idea who you are now or what life ahead will look like. All those things would be expected, even though they are alarming. 

What I would like to do now is prepare you for the journey in front of you. 

1. Treat yourself with tremendous grace and lower your expectations

Losing your husband can rock your world and affect almost all areas of your life.  It usually feels like part of you is gone, and you don’t even know who you are right now or how you will get through this.

You may be busy with memorial or funeral arrangements, and widows often perform very well at this time since they are so task-oriented, but you will likely feel the crash when the service is over. Treat yourself like you’re in intensive care and that you need special care.

The impact of your husband’s death will touch every part of you – emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually.  So what does that mean for you? 

You must treat yourself with tremendous grace and lower your expectations.   You cannot be expected to do what you could do before he died – so please don’t try.  Eliminate the unnecessary and get help where you can.

Say to yourself,  “I am handicapped right now.  Treat yourself like someone who has suffered a severe physical injury.”  

You wouldn’t expect someone who had two broken legs to be running like they could a few weeks ago.  You have a severe emotional injury.  You don’t see it like you do a physical injury, so don’t give it the same concern.

2. Your brain won’t work right

New widows often tell me they feel like they are going crazy or losing their minds because they can’t remember things or process them well. They aren’t going crazy!  It’s common and expected, but I know it’s concerning.  

I tell widows they aren’t playing with a full deck – that’s true!  Your cognitive skills are limited because grief takes up so much space.  It’s your body’s way of dealing with the pain.  Get used to it.  The brain fog can be around for quite a while. We have a video on this topic  HERE.

How have you noticed how your cognitive and thinking abilities have been affected?  

Say to yourself: My brain can’t work as it usually does because grief takes up lots of space and energy.  I’m normal, not crazy. 

3. Welcome all feelings and emotions

You may be bombarded with all sorts of emotions—despair, sadness, anger, guilt, hopelessness, relief, fear, etc. It’s a rollercoaster ride, for sure! 

Please don’t judge the feelings.  Allow them, and don’t try to deny them or fight them.  They aren’t good or bad – they just are.  If you had a husband who was suffering, you might feel a bit of relief that he isn’t suffering anymore but then feel guilty about that.  Remember, don’t judge.  You can have conflicting emotions.  It’s okay.

What are the emotions you are feeling today? 

4. Your family and friends will likely grieve for your husband in a different way than you do

We often hear how frustrated or concerned widows are when their children or other family members or friends don’t grieve the way they do.  They think the other people aren’t suffering and don’t care or aren’t grieving the right way. 

There is no right way!  Everyone grieves in their unique way. 

Especially with close family members and children, please allow them the space to deal with their grief their way, just like you want them to let you grieve your way. 

Just because you might not see outward signs of their grief doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.  

Are you judging the way anyone is grieving your husband?  Is anyone judging the way you are grieving? Say, “We are each grieving in our own way, and both are right.” 

5. Get one notebook and write everything down in it 

There are so many calls to make and things to address. It can be overwhelming for a healthy, organized person, but remember that your mind is working at its best.

If you have ONE book and write everything in it, you will remove some chaos and always have what you need. You know it is in the book!  

If it has pockets, you can put all the paperwork you will collect in it or use a binder. This really will help!

I used this book for everything.  Information for my husband’s service, social security calls, life insurance, medical insurance, who I called to tell about his death, to keep a list of who helped me and brought me things, to keep a list of questions as they popped into my head. I went back to this notebook even two years after my husband died to get some information I needed.

HERE IS A LINK TO A NEW WIDOW CHECKLIST FOR  ESTATE AND ADMINISTRATIVE TASKS

6. Get help with the service arrangements

This is too much to do on your own.  I was almost incapable of deciding anything after Mark died.  Thank goodness I had a few friends to plan everything for me and ask me questions when they needed my okay or direction.  I had some things I definitely wanted to do at the service, but other things I was incapable of addressing.  And some of my ideas made no sense at all.  My thoughts were bizarre at times.  That might not be you, but it might be, and you would be normal if it is. 

7. Let people help you

You are so depleted right now.  Even if it is usually difficult for you to accept help, please take it now.  You need it!

If possible, get a key person to oversee things—including you. Not everyone has a friend or family member who can do this, but if you do, it is great to have someone take over organizing your support needs and sharing them with others, arranging and keeping track of who does what to help you, and making sure you are getting cared for with food and sleep. 

They can be the go-between, field calls, emails, texts, and visits.  Instead of people contacting you, they can contact them, pass information on to you, or monitor your phone and emails.

My friend, Monica, was invaluable to me.  On her own, she just showed up with a notebook in hand and took over.  She listed what I needed help with, fielded calls, emails, and visitors, and tracked everything.  She created order in the chaos.  She got my friends to help where needed.  I was in absolute shock and exhausted.  I could talk like I knew what was happening, but it was like a surreal experience inside my head, and none of it seemed real.  I was numb and hurting beyond belief at the same time.  It was so confusing.  I think it might be like someone who was near a bomb blast and is just wandering around wondering what happened.

8. Get help caring for the children

Remember that you can’t do everything you used to be able to. If you have small children, please let your key person contact friends or family to help you care for them now. If you would rather they not be away from you, they can come and care for them at your home. You can probably barely take care of yourself.  

And as hard as it may be, let your children see you grieve.  They will take their cues from you.  They need to grieve, too.  All feelings should be welcome.  Don’t try to keep them from being sad.  Honesty is best.  Honest about what happened to your husband and honest about your grief.  You can grieve together.

9. People are likely to let you down

Usually, people are pretty good initially, but it doesn’t take long to feel judged or abandoned by friends or family—especially after the service—or offended by hurtful comments or unwanted advice. You may be surprised by who shows up for you and who doesn’t. 

It’s best to lower your expectations of your friends and family, and this is where you will need grace. Most people care and want to help, but they don’t understand grief or how to help or are so uncomfortable that they do nothing. 

Grief scares people.  I didn’t understand it until I lost my husband.  Can you say you understood it before your husband died?  Did you treat widows the way you would like to be treated now?  I didn’t. 

My book  When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to Truly Helping Anyone in Grief might greatly help your friends and family. It’s an easy, short read that will explain what you are experiencing and how to best support you. It’s eye-opening to them. You can get it on Amazon in an ebook or print here.

10. Get Support When You Are Ready 

Widows can tend to act okay because that’s what people want to see, or they feel those around them can’t handle their grief. 

This is why connecting with a support community is vital. Find people who get it—a trained grief counselor, a grief support organization, or a grief support group. Check out local or online grief support groups. Check out our resource pages. But find someplace where you can be raw and real.  

Some people want support like this immediately, while others aren’t ready until later.  Do whatever feels right for you.

11. You may lose your ability to enjoy the good things in your life  

We see this often, and Ron and I both experienced it.  We just lost our zest for living.  We weren’t suicidal, but Ron said he would be okay if he didn’t wake up in the morning, and I said it would be fine if a bus hit me on the way home from work.  

Can you relate?

You may have other good things in your life, and people may love to remind you about them – grandchildren, family, good friends, etc, but you don’t enjoy them.  Why?  Because the sorrow clouds your vision, you cannot see anything other than the sorrow.  That is normal.  And it will go away eventually.  Please don’t be troubled.  

If you are suicidal, that is entirely different, and please seek help immediately! 

**Call 988 or go to https://988lifeline.org/

12. You are going to grieve harder and longer than people think you should 

People are going to want you to recover quickly.  They don’t like to see you hurting.  You may want to recover quickly and are looking for a list of steps to check off.  But this life-altering loss will take time and work to get through.  And YOU WILL get through it!  

13. Don’t make any rash decisions

If possible, put off any big decisions for at least a year.  Things will be so different for you then.  Right now, things are unstable and you are not at your best.  It is not the time to make big decisions.  

But sometimes, you must make a big decision you cannot wait for. If that is the case, please seek wise counsel from someone who knows the area of that decision well. And maybe consult two people. 

14. Get Assistance for Financial Concerns

We know that one of the biggest concerns for many widows is finances.  If your husband was the sole or primary provider and there is no life insurance to make up for that loss, you now have financial worries on top of all the other elements of losing your husband.  It’s terrible to have to worry about that. 

Within 10 minutes of hearing that Mark died, I was thinking in my head, “Did we have enough life insurance? What will I do about medical insurance?” I went right into worry!

Ron and I have found a wonderful organization to help widows with these worries.  It’s called Wings for Widows (https://www.wingsforwidows.org/). Many of our clients have used them.  They are a no-cost financial coaching service just for widowed people.  They can help you address all sorts of financial issues and decisions you may have to make.  They don’t sell you anything. 

15. Thoughts About Going Back to Work

It’s unbelievable that most companies allow such a short time for bereavement leave. It’s usually only a few days.  Even a few weeks wouldn’t be much after losing your spouse, but it would be better than a few days. 

Here are some things we would like you to consider:

1. See if you could use some sick or vacation time for more time off.
2. Asking if you could return on limited duty. We had one of our clients return part-time and work from home, as she felt more comfortable there than in the office.  
3. Before returning to work, we encourage you to meet with your manager or HR department to discuss adjustments that would make work more manageable, such as lightening your load since you aren’t working as sharply or quickly, having someone check your work if it needs to be exact, telling the other staff what they can expect you will be like (I might be fine and then burst into tears and take off – where will you go?) Share with your workplace that you will be emotional, have low energy, and need some support.

****Short Term Disability:  Every state handles this differently, but we have had widowed clients go on short-term disability because they just weren’t ready to go back to work.  They were able to go to their doctors who acknowledged their depression due to grief and were able to qualify for disability.  Again, we know that is not the case for every state.  

We have also had clients who didn’t get on disability until many months after their husbands died.  They were struggling with depression and anxiety and didn’t know they might qualify, and they did and took a couple of months to work on healing, and it was so good.

After Ron’s wife, DeeAnn, died, Ron took time off through temporary disability to experience his grief and exhaustion from being her caregiver for months.  He was worn and tired.

I immediately went back to work, but I was only working part-time, and it was a good distraction for me because it kept me a bit busy and focused on other things while still having time to deal with my grief. Everyone’s situation is different.

16. Know that you WILL survive this. 

I know it’s difficult for you to believe right now. But take time to tend to your wounds, and you will eventually find hope and healing.  

I know you want to hit me right now, and you can’t even believe it could be possible, but please, I promise you that it IS possible!

We know it’s possible because we have experienced it and have helped widows worldwide find hope and start to live again. But this is only after some time and decisive healing steps are taken.

This is NOT for a new widow! As a new or recent widow, you aren’t okay, and you aren’t supposed to be.  Give yourself time to experience the pit of grief.  It’s overwhelming.  

Don’t act better than you are. Right now, your job is to grieve!

And do you know why you hurt so much? Because you loved so much!

Just whisper, “I will survive.”  Let these words carry you through the next breath, moment, or hour.  

I promise you there is hope. I doubt you can believe or feel that right now, as Ron and I didn’t when we were newly widowed.  

So you can borrow some hope from us. We remember being where you are and we can hope for you. 💚

And if we were wrapping up our in-person grief orientation now, I would end by giving you the biggest hug – from one widow to another.

Hang in there, dear friend. No one should do this journey alone and you don’t need to!

Check out MyGriefCare.com, our free grief support website with all sorts of videos on grief and grief resources

When you’re ready, there is a lot we can do to make this journey more bearable. 🙂

Grief Support Website: https://mygriefcare.com/

Our Unique Next Chapter Widow Retreat for ONLY 4 women! https://www.griefandtraumahealing.com/widows-grief-retreat/ (Retreat date must be at least six months after your husband died)